


bucket lists and checkmarks

by achillesplaysthelyre



Category: The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bucket List, Deployment, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Military Backstory, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 12:51:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15995603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achillesplaysthelyre/pseuds/achillesplaysthelyre
Summary: In which Achilles writes a bucket list before his deployment, not expecting to have anything checked off ten years later.





	bucket lists and checkmarks

Before I Die I Want To…

  1. **Perform in front of an audience.**



_He looks at me like I’ve hung the moon when I play._

_“I’m no good,” I say, trying to hide my rosy cheeks._

_“Don’t say that.” He pushes the guitar into my hands and smiles. “Play again.”_

_“Alright,” I say, and let my fingers caress the strings. I’d play forever if it meant he always looked so happy and at ease. Maybe I could make others feel that way, too._

  1. **Live in Europe, somewhere.**



_“It’s just more beautiful there,” I tell him one day, when the only light comes from the moon outside my window and it’s late enough to talk about these sorts of things._

_“Won’t you miss home?” he asks me. I can’t see his eyes, but I know there’s a sadness there._

_“No. How can I miss home if you’re there with me?”_

  1. **Write a book.**



_Everyone has a story. I want to tell mine to the world, if anyone will listen._

_“Don’t worry, you’ve always had a way with words,” he reassures me._

_There’s a lot of words I need to write down._

_Agathokakological. Love. Basorexia. Adomania. Inglenook. Opia. Kairosclerosis. Gossamer. Serendipity. Euphonious. Billet-doux. Mamihlapinatapai. Sabaism. Apricity. Aeonian. Jaunty._

_His name next to my own._

  1. **Grow a garden.**



_He loves plants. His favorites are sunflowers, for their boldness and symbolism._

_“Do you know what they mean?”_

_“No, tell me,” I reply._

_“They symbolize pure thoughts, adoration, dedication, and dedicated love. They’re also symbolic of haughtiness.” He’s smiling like the sun, bright and warm. I can’t help but stare. “Aren’t they beautiful?”_

_“They are,” I agree. I’m not talking about the flowers._

  1. **See equality.**



_Words can be beautiful, but they can also be used as weapons. Sharp tools of destruction and malice. They’re spoken everywhere; in restaurants, stores, school, at home. They hurt the most, I think, when said by those who are supposed to love you unconditionally. I can always tell when his father says something because the light in his eyes goes out, like a birthday candle._

  1. **See the Mona Lisa.**



_“They say she’s smaller in person, that her eyes follow you,” I tell him over a cup of cocoa. It burns my tongue and my nose is red from the frigid cold, but I feel happier in this moment than any other._

_“Have you ever thought about seeing it?”_

_“Not really. Would you come with me, if I went?” My chest feels heavy and my heart pounds as I wait for him to answer._

_“Of course,” he says and the heaviness melts away, but the pounding stays._

  1. **Be true to myself.**



_Everyone keeps secrets. I only have one, but it’s a terrible burden. One day I’d like to free myself from its clutches._

  1. **Go skydiving.**



_There’s a thrill in falling and being so close to hitting the earth. I always imagined I would do it with him. We do everything together._

_There’s a first for everything._

  1. **Learn another language.**



_I was a military brat growing up. My father was a major general and we moved constantly until I was ten and he was medically discharged. I'm already multilingual, but when Patroclus would speak in Greek to me and I couldn't understand him, I would feel a pit of envy in my stomach. Now I want to learn so I can surprise him one day._

  1. **Kiss Patroclus.**



_I’ve wanted to kiss him since we were just boys, playing heroes in the wood behind his home. Nothing has changed. I still feel a burn like fire when we touch and my heart beats like a ticking bomb, ready to go off at any second. It feels impossible, more so than living in Europe, or seeing the Mona Lisa, or writing a book._

 

* * *

 

 

It’s an unusually warm and sunny day in Cheshire, England and Achilles takes a break from unpacking to step out into the yard. They’ve just moved in yesterday and he has yet to properly admire his new home. The alliums are in full bloom, the shrubbery is a vibrant shade of green, and their small patio table is adorned with small succulents. He smiles to himself, taking it all in. Everything seems so perfect, so worth the years of struggle to get here.

Behind him, Achilles hears the doors open and the sound of Patroclus walking up to him. “It’s beautiful,” Patroclus says, letting Achilles know he's behind him, before pressing a chaste kiss to the back of his neck. 

“Yes, it is,” Achilles says. He turns around to face Patroclus. There’s a glint of pride in his eyes and he bends down to kiss him again.

“I can’t believe this is really ours,” Patroclus says, but Achilles knows he doesn’t just mean the house. The matching wedding bands on their fingers seems to shine even brighter in the sunlight and he thinks of how they got here; married and drunk on the bliss feeling of contentedness.

Twelve years ago, Achilles had been deployed to Afghanistan for the first time. He had joined the military straight out of high school, hoping to follow in the footsteps of his father, and suddenly he regretted the decision. He was still young, still hadn't done everything he wanted to do, still hopelessly in love with someone who might never know. But he had made a commitment, signed a contract, and had to follow through with it, no matter how much he wanted to stay. So he wrote a bucket list and took it with him. At the time he didn't know why he decided to take it, but now that he's here, in his house with his husband, he understands how the tiny piece of paper was a beacon of hope. So much so that when he returned, scarred and panicking on the ride home, the sight of Patroclus waiting for him was enough to turn him into a crying mess. And when they returned to Patroclus' apartment, where they ate real food and just sat together on the couch, Achilles finally confessed. 

And even though Achilles' feelings had been mutual, things didn't magically get easier after that. He was still on active duty and would be for five years, followed by two on the Reserves. He couldn't drive a car without having a panic attack, or listen to fireworks on the Fourth of July. Nightmares plagued his sleep at least once a week and if someone startled him, he went into a fit of rage. He had known that Patroclus was worried for him, yet he stuck with him, and a couple months before his next deployment, he proposed. He didn't know if he'd come back alive that time around, but he'd wanted to marry Patroclus with every atom in his body, and made a promise to come back. 

Briseis was worried when they told her.  _"Are you sure you guys aren't... rushing things? I mean, Achilles is being deployed again in a few months."_

 _"I've wanted to marry him since we were 16,"_ Patroclus had replied immediately. He had looked at his fiancé with stars in his eyes.  _"I don't want to wait anymore."_

So they got married a month later in the backyard of Patroclus' foster father, Chiron. Achilles' mother didn't look happy and Briseis had gotten over her previous concerns. They were happy then, and no matter what happened in the future, Achilles knew he had that. Three months after his honeymoon in Paris, where they gorged themselves on French pastries, visited the Louvre, and took pictures at top of the Eiffel Tower, Achilles was deployed again. The second time was harder than the first. Coming home the second time was better. He had a husband to come home to. Reintegration had been a little easier as well, but he still found himself struggling to not scream at anyone who startled him. But Patroclus was understanding, and they worked at it until his contract was up and he was honorably discharged. 

Patroclus started his general surgery residency while Achilles took online courses in Business Administration & Management. When Patroclus' residency was over, he started applying for jobs in England. They had talked about moving to Europe before, but now it seemed tangible. Their work visas were approved after a couple months and soon they were on a plane to Manchester after a small goodbye party thrown by Briseis and Chiron. And after living in a cramped apartment, they decided to buy the Cheshire house. 

They fell in love with it immediately. The walls are painted a cozy off-white and the windows let in plenty of natural sunlight. It's a little secluded, just on the outskirts of town and 30 minutes away from the hospital where Patroclus works. There’s a spacious yard, perfect for gardening and maybe, one day, for children to play in. Right now, Patroclus looks at it excitedly and says, "We'll buy sunflower seeds in April. What do you think, love?" 

"I can't wait," is all he says. The kiss he presses to the center of Patroclus' palm conveys what he can't say with words. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i know that in tsoa achilles isn't really effected by war. but he's 100% human in this, and war is a terrible thing, so when he comes back he does have ptsd, but i decided not to focus on that while writing this. anyway, thank you so much for reading and lmk what u think!


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